Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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