I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Acid is not a monday night drug
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
