On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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