If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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