I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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