she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
