Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
