I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
