How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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