that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
