Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
