finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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