I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
