im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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