Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
