the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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