Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
