do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
