Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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