how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
