Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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