i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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