you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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