Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
