New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
