I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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