You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
