the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
