just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
