Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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