Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
