is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
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You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
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Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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