I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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