just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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