first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
