So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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