Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
