He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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