Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
