So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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