Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
