You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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