some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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