Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
