If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
