I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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