It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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