I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
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