I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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