I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
