i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
