i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
