one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
