Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
