Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
