She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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