I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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