Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
