I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
