Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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