There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
