M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
