i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
